Size
by Fallende
Summary: EB: OMG JEGUS DAVE! I was talking about your shirt size! SHIRT SIZE! Because I saw a shirt that reminded me of you and I was gonna buy it! But now I don't know if I want to!


_-ectoBiologist [**EB**] began pestering turntechGodhead [**TG**] at 23:18 pm-_

**EB**: dave  
**EB**: dave  
**EB**: daveeeeee

**TG**: what

**EB**: how big would you say you are?

**TG**: uh  
**TG**: is this really happening?

**EB**: what?  
**EB**: of course it is! i don't know and its important!

**TG**: this is important huh?  
**TG**: well i can assure you im not little.

**EB**: but you kind of are.

**TG**: what  
**TG**: that depends how you define little  
**TG**: i mean, the scales differ here  
**TG**: this is a very opinionated issue  
**TG**: are we talking like asian dude little?  
**TG**: cuz i assure you i am not asian dude little.  
**TG**: i mean, even if were talking not asian dude here i'm not little  
**TG**: like, at the least average  
**TG**: the least

**EB**: i guess people in asia are skinnier than people in america

**TG**: and like stumpy too  
**TG**: i'd like to assure you that i am not infact stumpy

**EB**: …wait  
**EB**: omg

**TG**: also, are we talking like

**EB**: dave

**TG**: half mast  
**TG**: or full sail?

**EB**: AAAAAAAAAAUGH  
**EB**: EWW  
**EB**: OMG JEGUS DAVE  
**EB**: i was talking about your shirt size!  
**EB**: SHIRT SIZE!  
**EB**: because i saw a shirt that reminded me of you  
**EB**: and i was gonna buy it!  
**EB**: but now i don't know if i want to!

**TG**: oh  
**TG**: omg wow  
**TG**: lm fucking ao here kid

**EB**: do asain people have smaller penises?  
**EB**: also, did you just use assassins creed to describe erections?

**TG**: well i mean  
**TG**: if karkats rambling about our miniature oriental wangs means anything  
**TG**: hes implying that we have little dicks  
**TG**: and therefore that oriental people have smaller penises  
**TG**: i figure he must know these things

**EB**: eww  
**EB**: i don't think thats true

**TG**: but its okay  
**TG**: the chicks always say size doesn't matter  
**TG**: its what you do with it

**EB**: … are you trying to defend small penises?

**TG**: what  
**TG**: no

**EB**: …do you have a small penis?

**TG**: jesus no

**EB**: cuz you'll still be my bro  
**EB**: even with a small penis

**TG**: no  
**TG**: egbert  
**TG**: like almost seven inches

**EB**: ...  
**EB**: holy fuck

**TG**: the internet says like six is average

**EB**: i never wanted to know that dave  
**EB**: never  
**EB**: i don't know if we can be friends anymore

**TG**: don't lie to me

**EB**: I think I might puke

**TG**: shut up  
**TG**: every guy worries about it  
**TG**: every one  
**TG**: like is little jimmy more loaded than i am  
**TG**: cuz i am way fuckin loaded  
**TG**: but the little ones are always the ones that are secretly packing  
**TG**: what if little jimmy is actually big fuckin jimmy  
**TG**: and then you become worried that someones more packed than you  
**TG**: and it's like a vicious cycle of endless worry that you are the smallest guy in the room

**EB**: do you worry about this dave?

**TG**: i don't got to  
**TG**: got nothin to worry about

**EB**: cuz i'm sure no one actually worries about this

**TG**: i fuckin swear to you dude  
**TG**: ampora

**EB**: well thats an exception  
**EB**: of course Eridan would worry about that

**TG**: and zahhak  
**TG**: in fuckin english  
**TG**: i fuckin swear to you bro  
**TG**: my poor innocent ears picked up on this shit  
**TG**: im now aware the size of amporas man meat  
**TG**: his big kahuna  
**TG**: which was actually an average kahuna

**EB**: omg  
**EB**: stop

**TG**: and zahhak

**EB**: dave  
**EB**: STOP

**TG**: who was like asian dude on the scale

**EB**: FUCK YOU  
**EB**: ….  
**EB**: I feel like  
**EB**: he'd be like small  
**EB**: but like  
**EB**: super beefed

**TG**: way super thick  
**TG**: like a potato

**EB**: omg  
**EB**: smh dude  
**EB**: smhing so hard

**TG**: your laughing  
**TG**: so stop  
**TG**: its not funny its sad  
**TG**: probably not as sad as your little man crush  
**TG**: i bet nic cage has a tiny dick  
**TG**: fuckin microscopic  
**TG**: need an electron microscope for that shit

**EB**: shut up!

**TG**: sir, we cracked the lens!  
**TG**: had to zoom so close we broke the lens!  
**TG**: and anyways 'm waiting

**EB**: waiting for what?

**TG**: well come on bro  
**TG**: i told you  
**TG**: bros share this shit

**EB**: what  
**EB**: no  
**EB**: that will never happen dave  
**EB**: this isn't even happening!

**TG**: its okay if your smaller than me  
**TG**: i mean i am taller  
**TG**: and just all together better  
**TG**: and sexier

**EB**: shut up!  
**EB**: that's not true!  
**EB**: fuck!  
**EB**: like 6 ½ okay!

**TG**: see  
**TG**: no need to be upset  
**TG**: you couldn't beat a strider  
**TG**: we are practically legendary between the knees

**EB**: fine  
**EB**: you started this dude  
**EB**: were making this happen  
**EB**: circumference

**TG**: dont use your fuckin math terms at me  
**TG**: and anyways i bet i still beat

**EB**: i'm sure you do dave  
**EB**: beat it  
**EB**: but come on dude  
**EB**: i'm stronger than you, that must mean something!

**TG**: im ignoring the mj reference  
**TG**: okay well then I have to check  
**TG**: we are talking hard?  
**TG**: cuz im gonna have to get a string  
**TG**: and  
**TG**: hard

**EB**: fuck

**TG**: this might take a minute

**EB**: dave

**TG**: was that a scandalized fuck  
**TG**: or a breathy desperate fuck  
**TG**: its okay if you want the d  
**TG**: its a pretty great d

**EB**: thats it  
**EB**: i'm gone  
**EB**: goodnight dave!

**TG**: wait  
**TG**: egbert  
**TG**: your right this is important  
**TG**: can you really go to bed not knowing whether your pecker is fatter than me or not  
**TG**: can that thing dish out more seed  
**TG**: can you go to bed thinking im bigger and better than you in every way  
**TG**: i think we both know im better anyways  
**TG**: but are you thicker?  
**TG**: that is the question  
**TG**: john

**EB**: just  
**EB**: jerk yourself and give me an answer already dude  
**EB**: …  
**EB**: hurry it up!  
**EB**: i actually need to sleep tonight

**TG**: wait  
**TG**: you go first

**EB**: what!

**TG**: cuz  
**TG**: I feel like you would be that guy  
**TG**: that one guy  
**TG**: that guy who waits for the other guy to say it first just so he can one-up him with a larger number

**EB**: i already told you that i was shorter!  
**EB**: so we both know i'm not that guy  
**EB**: but now i'm worried that you are!

**TG**: when the clock strikes midnight  
**TG**: we post

**EB**: wow that sounds corny

**TG**: midnight egbert  
**TG**: then we can truly know one another  
**TG**: and the closer we get the more our love will grow

**EB**: i hate you

**TG**: love you too  
**TG**: okay  
**TG**: 3.95

**EB**: 4 ¼

**TG**: fuck

**EB**: 3.95 really?  
**EB**: you had to be that exact?

**TG**: im playing the its what you do with it card again  
**TG**: two out of three is still winning

**EB**: okay terezi sucked you off one time cuz she has that weird thing with tasting people  
**EB**: she still asks me if i want to share in her findings  
**EB**: its weird

**TG**: okay but thats more than youve had

**EB**: i've had an actual girlfriend

**TG**: but we both know nothing happened there  
**TG**: virgin boy  
**TG**: your sloppy make outs dont count

**EB**: i hate you

**TG**: code for  
**TG**: i want the d  
**TG**: very tsundere john

**EB**: okay i'm going to bed!  
**EB**: and i'm going to erase this conversation from my head so i can actually fucking sleep!

**TG**: your gonna stay awake thinking about my schlong

**EB**: wow that word is such a turn off

**TG**: implying that before you were turned on

**EB**: fuck you  
**EB**: code for  
**EB**: no you pretentious fucknugget

**TG**: when you start channeling karkat its time to go to bed

**EB**: yes.

_-ectoBiologist [**EB**] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [**TG**] at 00:09-_

**TG**: gnight  
**TG**: love you

* * *

**A/N:/ **John's gonna wake up tomorrow with a note on his door.  
_SON,  
YOUR SCHLONG IS THICKER THAN YOUR FRIENDS_  
_I AM SO PROUD OF YOU  
_Also I actually heard guys comparing during English class a few years ago. Yup. Inspiration for fics come from the weirdest places.  
And can we acknowledge the greatness of that peckers and seed line? Cuz that was fucking genius.  
Wasn't sure if this should be rated T or not. Decided to play it safe.  
Homestuck belongs to Andrew Hussie and I only wish I was as hilarious as him.


End file.
